A Game Plan for Mom and Dad

Parents – A Game Plan for Mom and Dad
By Ed Shilling
From http://www.championsacademy.org/champions/articledetail.aspx?ArticleId=650&Id=101
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“Guidelines, do's and don’ts for parents who want to effectively assume their role in helping their child to have the best athletic experience he or she can possibly have.”

At Champions Academy we are on a constant quest to help prepare our basketball players for the challenges that they will face in their coming games. However, it is not just the players who need to be prepared; parents of athletes in all sports need to strive to do their best throughout the seasons of their child’s career. The parents that we work with normally have a passion to help their son or daughter perform at the highest level on and off the court. It is my desire, by way of this article, to “coach” you the parent, to maximize your impact, influence and enjoyment during the season. These years have the potential to be the best years ever, if you can better understand what goes on in the heart and mind of your child’s coach, know how to effectively communicate with your athlete, as well as realize the fact that you are a public figure and that this is a potentially glorious time of building a richer lifelong relationship with your son or daughter.

What coaches would like parents to know and understand.

Having coached at the high school, college and professional levels of basketball during a 17 year coaching career and also being the son of a coach, I have spent my entire life around coaches. It is my belief that coaches would like parents to know a few things about them and the jobs they do. To begin with, coaches make their decisions based on winning, first and foremost—not on whom they like or dislike. No coach wants to lose! In fact, their job depends on winning. Several times in my career I started and played players with whom I had virtually nothing in common, and, honestly, I didn’t appreciate their lifestyles and apparent priorities. None-the-less, they were among the best on my team and consequently played absolutely as much as their performance earned. Apart from discipline and violation of team rules and things of this nature, no coach that I have met kept a player on the bench because he didn’t like him, if that player could help him win. Please, understand that coaches don’t get into the profession to cheat your son or daughter. Most of the time, coaches decide to get into coaching in an attempt to positively impact lives, not to hurt or destroy them.

The next thing I believe coaches would want you to understand is that playing time and style of play are determined after careful evaluation of numerous practices and countless hours of watching film and contemplation. Parents and fans do not see the total picture. For example, the last two minutes of a lopsided game when a player comes off the bench and hits back to back three-pointers is not normally a true indicator of the player’s skill—he probably has proven his lack of skill throughout many shooting drills and scrimmages, hence the sparse playing time.

Also, sometimes the best team in basketball is not the five most talented players. Team chemistry, role playing, specific match-ups and game plans often determines the five players who are on the court. We need only to look at the past Olympic and World Championship basketball competitions to prove that the five most talented players do not always make the best “team”. Just because your son or daughter can beat one of the starters one-on-one doesn’t mean he or she should be starting. A coach considers many things relative to who gets on the court. The legendary, Hall of Fame coach, John Wooden played the players who he thought “worked best within HIS idea of the team concept”. Obviously, coaches use both tangible and intangible criteria to determine playing time. Intangible criteria would include things like coachability, hustle, attitude, punctuality, work ethic, commitment and attention to detail. These intangibles are certainly factors in coaching decisions.

It is vital to understand that parents like it or not, cannot be truly objective in evaluation of their son or daughter’s ability and performance. Even my dad, a former college head coach, couldn’t accurately see my weaknesses; neither can I see clearly my children’s flaws. Parents love their children and look through the lens of what is best for the son or daughter vs. the coaches’ lens which sees the players as for what is best for the team. Wooden frequently assured the players and parents of those he recruited that “he ALWAYS acted in the best interest of the team.”

Effective and healthy parent-child communication

The second concept that I believe impacts the athletic experience is the parent’s ability to effectively communicate with their child. The most important thing you need to communicate to your child, especially right after a game, is unconditional love. There are plenty of critics out there. In fact, immediately after the game the coach critiques the team and some individual players in the locker room. The fans give constant feedback on your son or daughter’s play by way of applause, boos, or perhaps non-verbal expression. The media will also grant unsolicited critiques of your child for thousands of others to hear or read. Your child needs to know that you love him or her regardless of the performance. This unconditional love will positively impact your child more than any clever, insightful critique you might convey.

As a parent, however, you do have an important evaluative critique to lend to your child. This critique is in the area of his or her behavior and attitude during the game. Many times a coaching staff will be so into the game that they will not see you child’s attitude when he or she was taken out of the game, or a trash talking burst away from the live play or a disrespectful response to an official. You have a role and a responsibility to help your child be respectful and sportsmanlike in his or her actions and behavior. If your child doesn’t pay attention during time-outs or plays around on the bench, you most certainly need to make this correction!

While you have a job to do regarding your son or daughter’s attitude and behavior, you need to understand that you truly have great potential to destroy a team’s morale by your words to your child away from the gym. Any words spoken negatively about the coach will most certainly impact your son or daughter. Whether you realize it or not, you have a position of great influence on your child. If you say the coach is “no good” or that he made an awful decision or that he is cheating your child, etc., that will stick with your son or daughter and will instill disrespect and hinder your son or daughter’s coachability and enthusiasm. Have you ever walked into a room where someone was talking behind your back? You may not have heard a single word spoken, but deep down you knew that they were talking about you. When you speak negatively about the coach a negative climate or spirit is similarly created.. The coach may not know exactly what is going on, but he’ll feel something isn’t right and in the end your child will suffer. If you care about your child, you must NOT speak negatively about the coach, especially to your child. A player being able to trust the coach and the coach being able to trust the player is an overlooked, yet significant factor in a successful season—negative words destroy the element of player-coach trust.

This concept applies to your words about the other players on the team. If you are derogatory about another player on your child’s team, you can bet that your son or daughter will speak of that player in the same manner. It is one thing to say that so and so didn’t shoot well or that he didn’t play as well as normal, it is another to say that he is awful and shouldn’t be playing.

Every season provides many “teachable moments” for parents.

It is true that a parent needs to strongly support the decisions of the coach and not lend “coaching” from the stands, but there is an area that a parent needs to “coach” and that is in the area of teaching life skills. Regardless if the events in the season are good or bad, can be excellent “teachable moments” for a parent that is looking at the big picture. If your child is on the bench and is only playing a few minutes, you need to teach him the concept of finding a way to contribute to the team by working hard in practice, cheering on the team during games, staying focused during the game so as to be prepared if and when his chance comes. Everything that happens during a season can help prepare your child for potential situations in the game of life. For example, if the coach happens to be a “yeller”, well, your child may have a boss that communicates in the same way, and you can prepare him/her to listen to what is said not how it is said. Or, if the team is losing and your child feels like giving up, you can to teach him or her that they may be in a marriage someday that is not going well, but if they will keep trying and working, things can turn around. You as a parent hold an important job in helping your child grow and mature and the season can give you tremendous, practical, teaching tools-- if you will constantly be aware of the bigger picture. Remember, this quote from my Hall of Fame football coach (and father-in-law), Dick Dullaghan, “It is not what you get for playing, but what you become because you played that is most important.”

The parents of an athlete are really public figures

The third major concept for you to keep in mind as a parent of an athlete is that you are a public figure. In my years as a college basketball recruiter, I would often go into high school gyms, invariably, someone would ask me who I was there to recruit. After I would tell them, they would almost always point out to me who and where the parents of the person I was recruiting were sitting. The majority, if not everybody, knows who the parents of the players are. With this in mind, you will not only be known by the general public, but you will also be perceived as an expert on the issues surrounding the team. Anything that you say in the stands or around town will be taken as the truth and will be repeated with your name attached for credibility. If you bash the coach or even quietly agree with someone criticizing the coach, you can be pretty confident that it will make its way back to the coach. Further, your non-verbal expressions in the stands will be observed by those who are around you. If you throw up your hands when another player misses a jump shot or turns the ball over, know that that person’s parents and friends will see it. Self-control is a big challenge for you during games to be sure.

Also, you need to resist the temptation to respond to the negative comments made in the stands. Often the mean and nasty comments are spoken out of jealousy or ignorance. If you respond, you risk causing a scene. Having coached in the NBA, at the high major D1 level and also at the high school level, I know that anything involving family members before or during a game will negatively impact the player. I strongly suggest that you act like you didn’t hear the negative comments or get up and move seats, but don’t let your son or daughter catch you in an argument.

As I mentioned, I have been in countless gyms as a neutral observer and have seen some ridiculous actions performed by normally sane parents. If you could see how foolish you look screaming at the officials for a call (that many times really wasn’t that bad), you wouldn’t do it. Yelling at the refs honestly doesn’t help your cause and some times actually hurts your child and the team. At times, I would watch a parent of a kid I was recruiting make a fool of him or herself and wonder if I really wanted to deal with that parent for four years. Additionally, by yelling at the refs you give your son or daughter an excuse for not playing his or her best.

On the positive side, as a parent you have an opportunity to support the other players and to be a witness of unselfishness and sincere care for the team. When a parent supported the team regardless of how much his/her child played or how well the team was playing, it made a tremendous statement to the coaching staff and other parents. I have seen it the other way. For example, a parent travels to every game and is very enthusiastic, etc., but as soon their son or daughter’s minutes get cut or he/she gets injured and can’t play, the parent is nowhere to be seen. This sends a message to the other parents and the players that it was all about their kid, not the team. If you want to contribute to the program, then it has to be about the team, not just about you and your son or daughter. By the way, the spouse of the coach does not need to be the object of your dirty looks nor should she (he) be rudely ignored. The spouse does not control your son or daughter’s playing time nor does she (he) coach your son. Being mean to her (or him) is not only ridiculous but also shows a total lack of class. It is easy to lose your mind when it comes to your child and go after people who really have no intent to harm your child.

A tremendous time to enrich the parent-child relationship

The final point which I want to make is for you to enjoy this “season of life” with your child. Try to make this time special, for it ends so quickly. Every step up the ladder—from elementary to jr. high/middle school to high school to college to professional eliminates thousands and thousands of players would like to be on the team, but get cut. Be grateful that your son or daughter has a spot on the team, regardless of how good he or she might be. It is so important to the athlete that you are at his/her games—far more important than he or she might let on. You should see how the players fight for and make sure their parents have tickets for the games at the college level. Personally I know how good it felt to have my mom and/or dad at the games. If we lost or I played poorly, it was so comforting to see a caring face. The old saying applies—“family multiplies the joys and divides the sorrows”. Take every opportunity to help multiply the joy of the athletic experience and divide your child’s sorrows through it.

Finally, don’t let playing time, losses, or difficult moments steal the joy of being actively involved in supporting your son or daughter. When I played basketball at Miami University, one of my teammate’s dads exemplified this concept of enjoying the experience and it not only blessed his son but all of us on the team. My teammate, Jeff Fuerst, sometimes started and sometimes didn’t even get in the game during our freshman year. For some parents this would have caused them to be angry with the coach (“How could my son play so well last game and not even play this game?!), not Jeff’s dad—he was upbeat, supportive and positive to Jeff, the coaches and the rest of the guys on the team regardless of how or if Jeff played. I honestly looked forward to seeing Mr. Fuerst at the games that he could attend. Jeff’s dad lived in Chicago which was quite a drive to Oxford, Ohio, but when he couldn’t make the weekday games, he would drive around Chicago until he could get to a place that the game tuned in on his car radio through the static. Let me tell you, Mr. Fuerst made the most of the experience and consequently helped his son maximize the joy of being part of a basketball team.

My hope and prayer for you and your son or daughter is that you will cherish the opportunity to experience this season of life together. This season won’t last long, so make it the best it can possibly be.

Getting Parents to Work With You, Not Against You

Coaching Skills – Getting Parents to Work With You, Not Against You
From http://www.competitivedge.com/ppg/ppg03.html
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INTRODUCTION
Believe it or not, 99% of all parents out there are sane and workable. If you want to be a successful coach you have to deliberately make an effort to train them. The following is a list of strategies and ideas that will help you in this endeavor.

ONE
Most parents who push, do so because they don't know how to be helpful and do not understand the effects that this has on you and their child.

TWO
You are in a position as a coach to give parents the 2 things that they want the most and that frequently causes them to say and do unhelpful things. They want their child to feel happy. They want their child to be successful.

THREE
Help parents redefine what it means to be a winner. Winning is not about coming in 1st. It's about pushing your own limits and constantly striving to do better than your best. You're a winner if you drop time off a previous best, even if you come in dead last.

FOUR
Help parents redefine competition. It is not appropriate to distract a swimmer with thoughts of beating someone else. Help parents understand that a focus on the competition usually results in slower times and performance problems. The competition is your partner and your real obstacle lies within. Train them to encourage their children to compete against themselves.

FIVE
Help refocus parents. All too often parents get their children to be concerned with the uncontrollables (UC's) in a meet (i.e., competition, crowd, race heat, water temperatures, last year's race, qualifying, etc.). Teach parents that a focus on the UC's will only get the child into performance trouble. Instead the swimmer should be encouraged to focus on what they can control (i.e., themselves).

SIX
Don't use a crisis intervention model with parents. Don't wait for problems and emotions to arise before you are forced to deal with them. Use a preventive model and commit yourself to training parents from day 1 in your program. Actively educate them with verbal and written material.

SEVEN
In writing, state clearly your coaching philosophy, coaching style, club policies and view about competition. Don't leave any of this material to their imagination. They have a right to know and you have a responsibility to clarify these for them.

EIGHT
Clearly define the roles of swimmer, coach and parent so they knows what is expected of them and how they can best help the team. For parents specifically state that coaching is something you do and they don't. Define what it means to coach so that they won't have any confusion about the matter.

NINE
Define appropriate meet/practice behavior, the do's and don'ts for both swimmer and parents and explain why this is so. Spell out clearly the consequences for violating appropriate behavior so when you intervene it doesn't come as a surprise.

TEN
Establish yourself as an expert. You know the sport, (even if you're inexperienced) and it's your job to see that things are run the way you see fit. Although parents may challenge you on this, act as if you are the expert in a non-defensive way. If you feel unsure of yourself consult regularly with other more experienced coaches.

ELEVEN
Define a common mission for the team and organization. Let parents know where you want to go and how they can help you and their children reach these goals.

TWELVE
Communicate. Keep lines of communication open between you and the parents. Be approachable. Encourage them to bring their problems to you directly. Listen to them and give them the feeling that you hear them and can understand where they are coming from, even if you don't agree with them.

THIRTEEN
Keep professional whenever possible. Do not use your emotions to respond to problem parents. If they push your buttons, keep your emotions out of your interactions with them. If you lose your professional perspective, you can't be effective.

FOURTEEN
Help parents understand the developmental perspective you have in training. Most parents don't understand why their child isn't going faster immediately and winning everything in sight. Explain to them about the long term process you are involved in with their child and the proper way to measure success with it.

FIFTEEN
Teach parents the principles of peak performance which they can then use as a guideline for what to say and do with their swimmer

Parents & Sport

What every parent should remember about sport
By Fitzsimons, P. (05/06/1997). Sydney Morning Herald
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THERE IS madness in the air. On one field, schoolboys are going at each other like drunken sailors in a Marseilles dockyard brawl; on another, parents and spectators are beating to a bloody pulp a linesman with whom they disagree; on thousands of scattered fields, lesser atrocities are happening all the time.

Clearly, somewhere or other, we've lost the plot, or the plot's lost us, or some damn thing, but the times are out of joint when the whole sense of "the game for the game's sake" has died like a dog in the street.

With that in mind, I re-offer here a Code for Children's Sport I came across long ago, which was developed in New Zealand by the Wellington Rugby Union to provide much-needed compass points to prevent people becoming lost in the youthful sporting jungle. It has been so successful in changing the culture in which the game is played there, that it has since been translated and duplicated around the world in adapted forms.

Having taken the liberty of rejigging it for all sports, it looks like this:
PARENTS' CODE
-Do not force an unwilling child to participate in sport.
-Remember, children are involved in sport for their enjoyment, not yours.
-Encourage your child always to play by the rules.
-Teach your child that honest effort is as important as victory so that the result of each game is accepted without undue disappointment. Never ridicule or yell at your child for making a mistake and losing a game.
-Applaud good play by your team and by members of the opposing team. Do not publicly question the referee or umpire's judgment and NEVER his/her honesty.
-Support all efforts to remove verbal and physical abuse from children's sport.
-Recognize the value and importance of volunteer coaches. They give up their time and resources to provide recreational activities for your child.

So far so good? My guess is that if you haven't been involved in children's sport, you're finding it a bit trite - whereas if you have, you already have a particular parent in mind whose nose you'd like to jam it up. Actually, make that: whose pocket you'd like to slip it into.

COACHES' CODE
-Be reasonable in your demands on the players' time, energy, and enthusiasm. Remember they have other interests.
-Teach your players that the rules of the game are mutual agreements that no one should evade or break.
-Avoid over-playing the talented players. The "just average" players need and deserve equal time.
-Remember children play for fun and enjoyment and that winning is only part of it. Never ridicule or yell at the children for making mistakes or losing a game.
-The scheduling and length of practice times and games should take into consideration the maturity level of the children.
-Develop team respect for the ability of the opponents, as well as for the judgment of referees and opposing coaches.
-Always follow the advice of a doctor in determining when an injured player is ready to play again.

All you demons got that?
Now to the players. A first bit of advice has to be: forget all the really serious stuff you often see on TV - there'll be plenty of time for that when you get older. The following code may not be the way we adults always behave, but it's at least the way most of us started out.

PLAYERS' CODE
-Play for the fun of it, not just to please your parents or coach.
-Play by the rules, and never argue with the referee's decisions. Let your captain or coach ask any necessary questions.
-Control your temper. No mouthing off.
-Treat all players as you would like to be treated. Don't interfere with, bully, or take unfair advantage of any players.
-Remember that the goals of the game are to have fun, improve your skills, and feel good. Don't be a show-off or always try to get the most points.
-Co-operate with your coach, teammates, and opponents, for without them you don't have a game.
-All up, cherish childhood and teenage sport for what it is - fun. No more, no less. If they're telling you any different, the problem is theirs, not yours.
-And stop belting other blokes. I know it seems like a good idea at the time, but it looks very ordinary on the evening news.

Trust me, I know.

Dealing With Angry Parents

Dealing With the Angry Sports Parent
By Tim Kotzur, Barker College, Sydney
(This is a shorter version of the article which first appeared in Sports Coach vol 24 no 1, 2001)
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Virtually all coaches at some stage of their career have to deal with complaints from an angry parent. The reasons for the complaint are many and varied, and it makes no difference whether the complaint is real or imagined. No one likes to be the target of a complaint, and it is one of the least desirable aspects of coaching children’s sport. Here are ten steps for dealing effectively with the angry sports parent:

1. Avoid discussing the problem at the game
The first thing the coach should, or rather shouldn’t, do is to discuss the problem with the parent on the field, particularly if the parent is irate. The playing field is not the place for confrontations.

2. Agree to meet at more appropriate time/venue
Rather than discuss the problem then and there, the coach should agree to meet or telephone the parent at a mutually convenient time to discuss the complaint. By doing this, the coach avoids giving the parent an audience, allows the parent to ‘cool off ’, and gives him/herself time to prepare an appropriate response to the complaint.

3. Listen
When the meeting or telephone call from the parent does eventuate, one of the most important things a coach can do is listen. The coach should listen reflectively. Little things such as taking notes and nodding to acknowledge you have heard what the parent is saying are crucial.

4. Avoid interrupting
Even if parents raise their voices or their stories have only half the facts, the coach should avoid interrupting. By interrupting a parent, the coach risks inflaming the situation.

5. Don’t dismiss or become defensive
The coach should avoid defending or justifying their actions. Such behavior at this point will only make the situation worse.

6. Show empathy
Statements like ‘I’m sorry that you feel your child has been treated unfairly’ are appropriate at this time. By doing this, parents are more likely to feel that their problem is being taken seriously. They are likely to be calmer and more willing to find a solution.
7. Clarify the problem
This can be achieved by asking probing questions. This helps both parties to focus on the problem (not personalities), stick to the facts, and avoid being caught up in extraneous issues.

8. Offer a range of solutions
As mentioned earlier, many parents are simply content just to let the coach know. If they want more, try to offer a range of solutions. This demonstrates a willingness to work together to solve the problem. It is important to avoid making promises that you cannot keep. Explain to them what you can and cannot do.

9. Obtain closure
In the ideal case the coach will have outlined the options available to the parent and agreed on a mutual course of action. At this point it is appropriate to end the meeting. It should conclude with three things:

- Leave the parent with a closing action statement (eg ‘I’ll get on to that now’).
- Thank the parent for their interest (no matter how unpleasant the meeting).
- If follow-up is required, tell them when you will contact them (‘I’ll ring you tomorrow’).

This will leave the parent feeling as though their complaint has been heard, and the parent-coach relationship will be strengthened.

10. Leave the door open
There will be cases, however, after this whole process where you will not be able to give the parent the response they are looking for. It is important in these circumstances that the coach leave the door open for the parent, eg ‘If there is ever anything else, please come to me’.

By doing this the parent will at least feel that his/her complaint has been taken seriously, and the coach-parent relationship, however strained, will remain intact. This will help to prevent bad word of mouth by the parent against the coach.